Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
