Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
