The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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