Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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