I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
