yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
