Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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