I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
