Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
