flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
