I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
