I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
