just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
