Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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