I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
