I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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