i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
