It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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