Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
