Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
