Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
