I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
