Moan for me like Helen Keller
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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