I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
