someone get that fucking seahorse.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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