when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
