god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
