seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
