watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
