did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
