if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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