i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
