shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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