Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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