what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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