Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
