I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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