Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
