i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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