did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
