That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
