this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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