Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
