JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
