Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
