and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
