I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
