Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
dude. I can hear the air.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
