On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
