Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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