i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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