saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
