LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
