I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
