I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
