based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
