i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
