I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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