I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
