guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
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