You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
