Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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