I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
