the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
