rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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