god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
