The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
